I thought I’d lost my happy. My happiness in simple things, my joy at the sun shining or raindrops down the windowpane. I truly believed that I would never feel that way again, free and at peace.
But this week a veil has lifted. The cloud that I hadn’t even realised was there, blew on by and let the sun shine once more. I still had moments of anxiety or uncertainty but now it was different. Let me tell you a little about it.
I used to be happy and carefree, even with money troubles and life’s ups and downs, I found great delight in my children and exploring the world with them. I grew up through being their mum. I was driven and determined and I found work that pushed these skills and made a difference in the world. I defined myself through these roles.
It all changed when I had an accident at work which left me with PTSD and anxiety. It doesn’t matter what caused it now, because it is about the changes within that I would like to reflect on.
My brain no longer worked and my thoughts could not be relied upon to be truthful. This is devastating ! It is difficult to make any decisions because the brain can’t sieve truth from opinion or the levels of danger. Everything could be life threatening and each noise, movement, change in light, could be about to kill me. My brain reacted as if it was about to die each time a change happened around me. This would happen at least 20 times a day. I retreated to my bed where I was safe. I needed help with everything, and couldnt sleep for the flashbacks.
Over the following years many things contributed to my recovery: Unconditional love from my family and close friends. Talking Therapies. CBT. EMDR. Medication. Yoga. Mindfulness.Massage. Time. Empathy for myself.
Without my family and friends I wouldn’t be here today. They rang and messaged and visited whenever they could, knowing that none of us knew if I’d get better, but loving me anyway. If there is one thing you can do for others, it’s Keep in touch. No-one knows what to do or say, it’s the fact you have made the connection that makes all the difference.
Go to the Doctor. It’s tough but combinations of treatment really do help. I didn’t want medication because I didnt want to believe I had a mental health problem. I self medicated with alcohol and codeine. It was only when my therapist pointed out that this was the wrong medication for my illness and that I was doing myself harm, that I tried, anti depressives. They make a real difference but don’t help alone.
Talking therapies were invaluable and although really hard work to do, I chose to view them as my work. I felt ashamed that I couldnt work and provide for my family. So this was something I could push myself to do. EMDR involved revisiting my most traumatic moment, over and over again, until the memory had less reaction to me. I would return home each week from therapy in tears and feeling worse. But over time the memory seemed more cloudy.
I was encouraged to return to Yoga which I had enjoyed previously. At first my teacher would collect me for class and I could only lay on the mat. Gradually I remembered how to breathe deeply and began mindfulness classes. This isn’t for everyone but the essence is to find an activity that makes you happy. It doesn’t matter what it is. Just do it when you can. Or encourage your friend or family member who may be struggling to return to or discover an activity they enjoy.
I felt confused that I could do an activity but not work, not realising that so much of my self worth was linked to my professional career. With a lot of persuading I took iceskating lessons which enabled me to bond with my step daughter. It was scary and loud, but I didn’t feel someone else would kill me. If I fell, then it was my own doing. Gradually I began to heal.
It took time before I could move onto thinking about what I would do next, and a long time before I dared to try something new. I took a massage course and began to help others once more. I had to learn to give empathy to myself.
Now I love being a massage therapist. I work part time and have to be really proactive about not working too hard ( or my anxiety attacks worsen).
I now pass on to others the trick of giving yourself some love. Think about someone or thing your give unconditional love to, your children or children in your family, your pets? If they make a mistake or need a hand, think how calmly you talk to them. Now focus on the part of you that isnt working so well right now. It might be something in your mind, or equally a physical probem like an injured knee. Talk to that bit of you as if they were your child/pet. Talk camly, allowing for change to happen. Loving unconditionally, whether it mends or not. This has made the biggest difference to me.
Finally, the veil lifting. I got closure. I received an apology that the incident at work had happened.
So if this story resonates with you or your loved ones, remember these few things that can make all the difference:
- Keep in touch with your family and friends, even if you don’t feel great.
- Go to the Doctor and take the help you can.
- Find an activity that makes you happy.
- Loving yourself and others unconditionally
Good luck with your journey. I hope you find your happy. It makes such a difference when you reframe the things that matter.
Love Morag